Why Anxiety Doesn't Always Look Like Anxiety in Children
- 2 days ago
- 6 min read
Written by Clinical Psychologist, Dr Daniel Weisberg
July 30th, 2026
As parents, we often imagine anxiety looking a certain way. We picture a child who is visibly worried, talks openly about their fears or tells us they are feeling anxious.
In reality, that's rarely how anxiety first presents.
Instead, it might look like a child refusing to get dressed for school, becoming unusually angry over something seemingly insignificant, complaining of stomach aches every Monday morning, or withdrawing from family life altogether. It may appear as tears at bedtime, constant reassurance seeking, or emotional outbursts that seem to come "out of nowhere".
One of the most important messages shared by Dr Daniel Weisberg, Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Managing Director of CAYP Psychology, during our recent parent webinar was that if we only look at the behaviour itself, we risk missing what sits underneath it.
"Before we ask, 'What's wrong with my child?', perhaps we need to ask, 'What is my child trying to tell me?'"
That simple shift in perspective can completely change the way we understand, and respond to, our children.
Anxiety is a normal part of being human
Anxiety often carries an unfair reputation. As parents, we naturally want to protect our children from feeling worried or overwhelmed, and it can be difficult to watch them struggle. However, anxiety itself is not the enemy.
In fact, anxiety is a completely normal and healthy human emotion. It exists for a reason.
Dr Weisberg explains that anxiety acts like the brain's internal warning system. It has evolved to help keep us safe by encouraging us to pay attention when something feels uncertain or potentially threatening.
"Anxiety has evolved over time because it tells us something important might be happening. It's our brain's warning light."
The challenge is that children's brains are still developing. They are learning how to interpret uncertainty, regulate emotions and distinguish between genuine danger and everyday challenges. As a result, their alarm system can sometimes become activated by situations that adults recognise as manageable.
Starting a new school year. Meeting a new teacher. Changes in friendships. Going on holiday. Returning to school after six weeks away.
These aren't dangerous experiences, but they are unfamiliar. For many children, unfamiliarity alone is enough to trigger anxiety.
Why uncertainty is so powerful
One of the themes Dr Weisberg returned to throughout the webinar was the close relationship between anxiety and uncertainty.
Children, just like adults, like to know what is coming next. Predictability helps us feel safe. When that predictability disappears, our brains naturally begin trying to fill in the gaps.
As Dr Weisberg explains:
"If you want to create the perfect conditions for anxiety to grow, mix uncertainty with worry."
This is why periods of transition can feel particularly difficult for children. Long before the first day of school arrives, their minds may already be asking endless questions.
What if I don't make any friends?
What if my teacher doesn't like me?
What if everyone else knows what they're doing?
What if I can't cope?
These thoughts can quickly spiral into worst-case scenarios. Interestingly, it is often not the event itself that children fear most. Instead, it is the uncertainty surrounding it.
Understanding this helps us move away from dismissing worries with phrases such as "Don't worry" or "You'll be fine." Whilst these responses come from a place of love, they don't reduce uncertainty. Instead, children often need help making the unknown feel a little more predictable.
Anxiety doesn't always sound like Anxiety
One of the biggest misconceptions about childhood anxiety is that children will tell us when they are feeling anxious.
Unfortunately, that is rarely the case.
Young people are often still developing the emotional vocabulary needed to recognise and describe complex feelings. Others may simply feel too overwhelmed to put those feelings into words.
Instead, anxiety often speaks through behaviour.
A child who suddenly refuses to go to school may not be trying to be difficult.
A child who becomes angry every evening might not actually be angry at all.
A child who complains of headaches or stomach aches before school may not be pretending.
These behaviours can all be genuine expressions of emotional distress.
Dr Weisberg reminds parents:
"Children don't always say, 'I'm feeling anxious.' They show us through their behaviour."
This is why understanding behaviour in context is so important.
Behaviour is communication
Perhaps the biggest clinical takeaway from the webinar was this:
"Behaviour is communication."
This idea sits at the heart of compassionate parenting.
When children are struggling emotionally, they often communicate through the only language available to them: their behaviour.
Instead of asking ourselves how to stop the behaviour, it can be far more helpful to become curious about what that behaviour might be trying to communicate.
For example, school refusal may be communicating fear.
An emotional outburst might reflect overwhelm.
Withdrawal could suggest that a child feels emotionally exhausted.
A seemingly disproportionate reaction to a minor disappointment may actually be the final release after holding themselves together all day at school.
This doesn't mean every behaviour should be accepted without boundaries. Rather, it encourages us to look beyond the behaviour itself and understand the emotional need driving it.
Children often need understanding before they are ready for problem-solving.
When the brains fire alarm goes off
Many parents describe feeling frustrated that nothing seems to work once their child is upset.
No amount of reasoning.
No consequences.
No reassurance.
No logical explanations.
There is a neurological reason for this.
Dr Weisberg explains that when anxiety becomes overwhelming, the brain moves from a "warning light" into a "fire alarm."
"When that fire alarm is activated, the thinking, logical part of the brain goes offline."
In those moments, children are no longer able to process information in the way they normally would. They may enter what psychologists refer to as a fight, flight or freeze response.
Trying to reason with a child during this stage is unlikely to succeed.
As Dr Weisberg puts it:
"It's the equivalent of telling somebody who's drowning that they simply need to swim."
The goal is no longer to teach or correct.
The goal becomes helping the child feel safe enough for their brain to calm down.
Connection before correction
One of the most powerful ways parents can support anxious children is through co-regulation.
Children learn how to regulate their emotions by experiencing calm, connected relationships with the adults around them. This doesn't mean parents must remain perfectly calm all the time. That simply isn't realistic.
Instead, children benefit from adults who can return to calm and reconnect after difficult moments.
Dr Weisberg explains:
"Children don't need perfect parents. They need emotionally available ones."
Every parent loses patience.
Every family has difficult days.
What matters most is what happens afterwards.
Saying, "I'm sorry."
Explaining, "I was feeling overwhelmed too."
Offering a hug.
Repairing the relationship.
These moments teach children that emotions are manageable, relationships are resilient and mistakes can be repaired.
A practical strategy: Try wondering
When children are anxious, our instinct is often to ask lots of questions.
"What's wrong?"
"Why are you upset?"
"What happened?"
For many children, particularly when emotions are running high, these questions can feel overwhelming.
Instead, Dr Weisberg encourages parents to try something psychologists often call wondering.
Rather than asking questions, gently make an observation.
"I wonder if today felt a little harder than usual."
"I wonder whether you're feeling nervous about tomorrow."
"I wonder if there's been a lot of change recently."
This approach removes pressure. It allows children to agree, disagree or simply sit with what has been said, whilst communicating something incredibly important:
I'm trying to understand you.
When should parents seek additional support?
Some anxiety is a completely normal part of childhood. In fact, learning to work through manageable worries is one of the ways children develop resilience and confidence.
However, there are times when additional support can make a significant difference.
If anxiety is consistently affecting your child's ability to attend school, enjoy everyday activities, maintain friendships or cope with family life, it may be worth seeking advice.
Similarly, if emotional outbursts, withdrawal or distress are becoming more frequent or more intense over time, speaking to your child's school, GP or a qualified child psychologist can help build a clearer understanding of what is happening and what support may be beneficial.
Early support is not about labelling children. It is about giving families the understanding and strategies they need before difficulties become more deeply established.
Final thoughts:
Perhaps the most reassuring message from the webinar was that parents do not need to have all the answers.
Children are not looking for perfection.
They are looking for adults who are willing to stay curious, stay connected and stay alongside them as they navigate life's inevitable challenges.
As Dr Daniel Weisberg reminds us:
"Our job isn't to eliminate anxiety. Our job is to help children recognise it and feel confident enough to work through it."
When we begin to see behaviour as communication rather than defiance, we stop asking "How do I stop this?" and start asking "What does my child need from me right now?"
Sometimes, that simple change in perspective is where real understanding begins.
Want to watch the full one hour session which delves deeper into this topic? Simply click below:
